9 January 2014

Hello 2014 - Getting Personal

I've been so busy already this year with blog design orders that I haven't had the chance to sit down and write my first post of 2014! I was going to do a 'favourites of 2013' post but I honestly just wanted to move on with from l year and I will likely still be loving the same products this year too! However I will mention products here and there through out January. Instead of talking about beauty, I thought I'd take a step into the life category of my blog. I don't talk about my personal life, or myself that much on my blog as it's more of an outlet to get away from those aspects of my life, then focus on it. So let's get a little personal shall we:
Background:
2013 was in some ways, better and worse then 2012. It's hard for me to write about things like this as I am a very private person, and prefer to keep my emotions to myself then broadcast. I have always been a bit of a hermit, I much prefer sitting at home with a pizza and a movie to going to a night club (is that even what cool people call them?) Going out to places I haven't been before (as well as doing normal things like paying for something in a store), weather alone or with a close friend (more so alone) makes me very anxious. I know this seems to be a running theme with people who write blogs and do YouTube (though I think that's because we find things like this an excellent outlet) which is why I've never wanted to talk about it before without being seen as 'one of those copy cat people who just gets a bit scared sometimes' but it's actually become a bit part of my life. I have had panic attacks for as long as I can remember, they started off when I realised that I was going to die someday. And the whole concept, terrifies me. I'd wake up at night basically screaming (nice!) 
Throughout high school and college I didn't realise just how much I panicked about things, I had my group of friends to hide behind and didn't have to worry too much about my participation in conversation could just sit back and watch and chime in when I wanted. Though if people asked if i was 'coming out' tonight, my answer was 75% of the time no. As even just being asked ran the serious of questions 'what if I want to leave, I don't want to be rude' 'what if something bad happens' 'what if I run out of things to say, or make a fool of myself' and this was with my own friends. After leaving college and not knowing what to do. I decided that I would take a Foundation Degree in Art at my local college and then see where that lead me. I was already pretty nervous about applying as I knew there would be an interview (which scare the hell out of me!) But also that if I DID get in, I'd have none of the support blanket I'd lent on over the past.. 18 years of my life. I'd be alone, in a new college, and what if I didn't like it, or couldn't make friends or who knows what, my brain is a wacko. 
2012:
I did get in, and I whilst being like YAY I got in, I was also.. terrified. On the day I was meant to start college, I had a panic attack and refused to go, my mum decided that it was time I got some real help and took me to an emergancy apointment with my GP. (I cannot thank my family and friends enough for the amazing support they give me!) Let's say that was probably one of the worst days. I was referred to the hospital for evaluation to get some help (that took about a month) and I decided that college wasn't for me. I still feel guilty now that my parents lost a deposit they had to pay for me to join the Foundation Degree. But I do feel it was the best decision for me. After my evaluation with the NHS I was put on a waiting list for CBT, for those who don't know, that's cognitive behavior therapy, basically it's a type of therapy that helps you "rewire" your brain to not over think or panic the minute you realise you don't have enough change on you when you get to the till, or be able to phone a restaurant to make a reservation. (not just that, but you get my point) I had 12 weeks of this and I honestly think it helped me alot. It gave me breathing exercises and that was when I went to Leeds Festival on my own. I had never been to a festival before and I still can't believe that I went on my own. It was very scary being in such a big crowd alone, but I was determined to see my favorite band (and met them.. still can't believe it!) I am proud of myself for that.
2013:
Whilst that did help me immensely I'm still struggling with my brain to do things I KNOW I can do. Like going to blogging events, I finally decided to go to a blogging event in 2013, up until the moment I was getting in the car to go.. and I just couldn't breathe. My mum and I still drove to the event and drove past so that I could take a look through the window to see what an event looked like (things like that help me to have something to imagine for future reference, instead of my brain running wild) I would very much like to learn how to drive as well, but haven't quite got up to that yet (2014 here we come!) and also going out more with my friends, if i'm not in control of something or the one who organised an event I feel quite out in the open and worry way too much but it's time to put an end to that so I'm making a conscious effort to say yes to more things this year. 
This is another reason why I was so upset about my diary being stolen in Spain, it wasn't just gossip, it was things I had achieved and could look back on and say, see you can do that! And it felt like those achievements had been taken away leaving me back in 2012. 2013 was a bit hard for me on the 'job' front. Whilst I love Blogging and YouTubing and Basement Boutique and my Design Store, they're not doing me any 'good' as it's a great way of me staying indoors and not facing those fears of mine so I have been looking for a nice part time job. To no avail.
Any GOOD THINGS happen in 2013 Serena?! 
-I turned 20 years old!
-I set up my blog design store, and am absolutely amazed at how much business I get, and how bloody lovely you all are to me about my designs! It makes me very happy to see my work loved by you and I love coding and designing so that's been a big joy of 2013 that I hope to continue this year.  
-I went to Spain twice (yes, one didn't go that well, but it was still HOT!) 
-I flew alone, something I thought I'd never be able to do, but was actually really fun! 
-I went away with my cousin Olivia to Scotland.
-We visited a lot of National Trust castles and halls which are always really interesting!
-I met up with old friends.
-I made some new friends, via you tube and blogging.
-I finally got a wardrobe!
-I went to clothes show live with my sister.
-Lots and lots of other things!
2014:
As with everyone else, I'm hoping that 2014 is a better year for me. Here are some things I hope to achieve:
-Find a nice 'quiet' part time job where I can still keep up my YouTube, blog, boutique and design store. 
-Get fitter (I've put on about a stone in the past year and want to loose it!) 
-See alot more of my friends and go out to things that I had no part in organising! 
-At least start some driving lessons, maybe in the summer, if not pass my test!
-Start a night class in something arty like ceramics, or jewelry design. 
-Go to at least one blogging event!
-Continue to grow my YouTube channel and blog!
-Get a tattoo.
-Get a few more piercings (sorry mum!)
Wow this has been a long post, even whilst writing I have been unsure weather its even wise to post this or not.. I think I will. I hope you all had great 2013's and I wish you all the luck and love in the world that 2014 is a great year for you too! I'm going to stop writing now as I want to catch up with the latest Pretty Little Liars!! 

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MEET THE AUTHOR: Serena Ozgowicz is a 24 year old Puggle owner with a passion for beauty, crafts and coding! You can follow her on facebook, twitter and instagram. Thank you for reading this post!

7 comments:

  1. This is such a great post Serena :) I can completely relate and I think your incredibly brave writing about it. You've accomplished so much this year! I can't wait to see what you'll do in 2014!

    stylishengland.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. Great post Serena, I posted a very similar one myself at the start of 2014. I sometimes find posting stuff like this is sometimes therapy in itself, you feel a bit of a weight lifted just getting it off your chest, out of your system and being okay with it? If that makes any sense. Like you said I find writing in a diary really helps too, it's a great way to look back on all the positive things you've achieved in a year!. My motto this year is definitely to stay positive and to stay away from negativity and negative people :). I hope you manage to achieve what you'd like this year, I'm sure 2014 will be a good year for you! :)
    Emma | www.purpleeerose.com
    x

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    Replies
    1. Absolutely! I did revert it back to draft a few times after publishing haha! That's a great motto :) I hope you achieve all you want too! x

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  3. Hope you have a lovely 2014 and get to do more fun things as your some of your 2013 adventures sounded fun and exciting.

    Jackie | fashionxfairytale |

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  4. Have you seen Jen's blog EPBOT? It's mostly about nerdy stuff, but she also talks often about her anxiety and ways she's learned to cope with it. www.ebpot.com

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