22 January 2012

New design, New post.

I sat down to write this post at 11am. Its now 5.19.. and by the time this post is finished and posted it will probably be even later. I got sidetracked by designing my new layout. I like it, its alot fresher and easier to look at. Ive also added tabs so you can hop over you my youtube or shop whenever you want :D
So.. what i actually wanted to post about is me. I read Brogantatexo's sunday summary and i felt compelled to write this post. Alot of stuff has happened in the past 3 years and i feel like its been one drama after another and maybe just realising thats actually life, you dont get breaks inbetween bad or good stuff happening. I dont particually want to go into DETAIL about everything because some things involved other people who dont deserve their personal lives splashed over the internet. But there are some things i wanted to explain over youtube and theres always that 'hate' element and blogs and youtube are kind of like the college vs highschool of the internet. Youtube is like highschool, evereyone shoved into each class regardless of weather they really want to be there and theyll say anything about anyone. Blogs are like college, only the people that really want to be there take the time to read all of what you have to say and there less likely to trash you. Im still not sure exactly where im wanting to go with this or if anyone will even read it but for me personally id like to be able to look back at this and HOPEFULLY see where it went right from now on. Education was always like my 'strongest' point. i wasnt like an A* student, but i worked hard enough to get good GCSEs and so when i went to college it was expected of me to do really well by teachers etc. Not that i didnt do well, i chose english, photography and emedia. And at the end of the first year i couldnt put up with english anymore because it was really hard, much harder than i thought it would be. I didnt see the point in writing essays about books, when will i need that in life.. So i was left with photography and emedia (my emedia was worth 2 Alevels so i was still basically doing 3)I have never been good at making friends, i didnt really realise this till i started college because id had my group of friends in highschool ever since i can remember and any new friends i make are usually friends of friends that i become friends with.. if you get me. So when i started college i was a bit nervous, not TOO much because i was still going to college with alot of people i knew but didnt know who would be in my classes. thankfully i was put in a tutor with two people i knew from before and so felt more comfortable and my tutor was my emedia class. that was the only class i felt comfortable in because in photography alot of the people in there were already kind of clique'y and not really the sort of people i can identify with. so for two years i sat in the chair in the corner and worked alone, noone wanted to talk to me and i didnt really want to talk to them either.. * Ill add on to this later on.
Although emedia wasnt exactly the lesson i eventually was REALLY interested in i looked forward to the lessons because they were fun, i could do whatever i wanted on the computer and work at the same time and have a laugh with the people in there. Photography was ok but not amazing. So each week id have 8 hours of emedia and 4 of photography. I was lucky in that photography exams were earlier than other exams and held in class time and since i didnt talk normally i didnt really see a difference to a normal lesson, and there wasnt an exam for emedia it was paper work based so i had NO exams really to do. I finished much earlier in the year than my friends and didnt have to go back in. So basically since LAST July till now.. ive not had anything to do. I do miss college because i had a schedule, i knew what i was doing, now not so much.. at all. At first it was a given that i would go to uni, i didnt see why i wouldnt, until i actually had to think about it and i had no idea what i wanted to do.. i looked into pretty much everything and nothing interested me, i didnt want to just choose somthing for the sake of it, waste a TON of money and come out with nothing. So we looked into college courses. I felt i HAD to do somthing i cant do nothing so it was decided that i would do a foundation degree in art and design. I didnt even apply.. my mum did it. I thought right, thats what im going to do. i went to the open evening and didnt have a clue what they were going on about, but my parents bought all the equipment and paid the course fee. When it came to the induction. It was clear i was..i dont know the word. Ive always suffered from panic attacks about dying, from a small age. But id never really felt that way about having to do somthing in LIFE. I mean i know i dont like going up to people in shops, or talking on the phone but neither do alot of people. but i actually cried outside the college and had to force myself to go in, my mum came in with me but that made me feel like more of a tit, who takes there mum to college with them. I had to do a one hour induction lesson.. obv without my mum with all the other kids that would be in the class.. as usual, everyone KNEW each other, there were only like 5 other people sat like i was alone, i dont know how that always happens. We basically got handed loads of forms to sign, books etc and we had to hand in these summer projects id spent ages on. That was on a Monday and they wanted us to start on the wednesday. Cannot express the relief when i left that basement and went home. I spent the next day not even thinking about it but then it came to bed time and my head became a total mess of fear, and guilt, I knew i didnt even want to go there and everyone thinks im 'arty' but im really not that interested in painting or making dresses or whatever else wed been told about on monday. Id agreed and my parents had paid all this money and i felt awful, The mess turned into panic and well yea.. My parents went down early that morning to talk to the teacher, and then made me a Dr's Appointment. I didnt think there was much point before beacause it was only about death, and a dr cannot cure that.. But even i had to agree now that i probably did need some help. So i went to the Dr and was referred to the NHS (which came through in december) The teacher had told my parents exactly what i would be to expect in the next few lessons (another thing, i have to know exactly whats going to happen whenever i have to do somthing so i can evalate..escapes? idk but i have to know so theres no arkward moments i can avoid) and to ask if there had been anyone id seen i could be paired with. Felt like a right moron, thats right pair the 17 year old with a pal so shes less of an arkward mess... no thanks. I said i didnt want to go back. Its not what i wanted to do with my life and i felt a year doing that would be a waste. (not that what im doing now is any less of a waste :\ ) So for the next few weeks i stayd home and basically didnt do much. Id go to my grans with dad and look for jobs. I looked for jobs for ages and there really was NOTHING. about a month later my mum and dad decided i had to join the job center because i had no income, no EMA, no job etc. but that required calling a stranger etc. so i called and had to fill in all these forms and at first it was fine, i did exactly what i was doing anyway - looking for jobs - and got a few bob for it to help pay for food etc. but then they changed my advisor and i got this woman who suggested i do unpaid work experience at a superdrug for 3 weeks and then if it went well theyd offer me full time work. I agreed and signed up for that, i had an interview which went supprisingly well, i wasnt a wreck. however shed told me they wouldnt be able to keep me on after because SD didnt have the money to hire me. Any guesses what happened next?! Yea, college thing all over again. So that didnt happen either. Obv had to go to the job center to talk about it and got told to take my NHS letter with me. They sent me to ANOTHER woman who was pure EVIl, she basically told me i wasnt trying hard enough and this wasnt the right benifit for me and if it was up to her shed throw me off it right now. So i decided it was time i took control of my life properly, for a while now i knew what i REALLY WANTED was to run basment boutique PROPERLY, id been working it up for months, getting better stock, advertising etc, its really hard when you have no money. So i told my mum i wanted to quit the job center. Obv she said no and i was very sad/angry for a while. I didnt exactly feel like an 18 year old adult, i felt like i was going backwards being told what i had to do with my life. pretty much sucked for a while there. I txt my mum the morning before i had to go back in and said im quitting it. So i went in and the woman basically told me because of the NHS thing i wasnt entitled to this benifit anymore and i said well actually i want to quit anyway. when she asked why and i told her she was so smug. you could tell she thought it would never work. But i have to TRY it, if it doesnt work out, at least i gave it an actual go instead of doing it as a 'hobby' or just dreaming about it. Its really important to me that i try htis properly because its what i want in life, and if i dont start now whats the point. I did lots of spreadsheets on wholesale ETC and had a plan. (seriously done enough maths to last me a lifetime) I had a little money left in my bank and some xmas money and i bought some stock (it came yesterday) Im just waiting on some other delieveries then i can add them to basement boutique. feels like ALOT is riding on selling this stock, i need the profit to buy my next stock etc, i havent got any loans or people who can just give me money. Im going to built this up myself. Im still lookng for jobs to help support me but im only applying for jobs i KNOW i can do. I worked at sainsburys for a while 2010 and i wasnt a nervous wreck then, i think the college thing really ruined the stability i felt i had before, all my friends are in uni so i didnt have that fall back. So this is now. its 18.02 took me an hour to write that pretty much. Its probbly got a million spelling mistakes and shit but.. Ofc thats only the start of the stuff thats been going on but i REALLY dont want to talk about shit stuff anymore. Ive just managed to get rid of some shit people who ruin everything but unfortunatly there will now always be a connection to that portion of my life. Ill deal. Better my family be happy then i let the past ruin the really good stuff i have going for me now. Not sure i totally feel like an 'adult' yet but im getting there, doing this basement boutique o my own makes me feel much better about myself knowing i did it. If i want or need advice i will ask for it but for now im content working problems out on my own. I still have a lot of stuff ahead i probably havent even thought of but ill get to that in time. I think this it is for SERENAS LIFE IN WORDS for now. Even if theres noone reading this. One day ill reread this and either think WTF that was such a small part of your story or think oh yeah, i remember that and thats why im here doing this now.

If theres any other aspects of life you want me to go on and on about :p let me know. ill see what i can do hahaha. Hope (if there is someone there) that you have a great day / night.
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MEET THE AUTHOR: Serena Ozgowicz is a 24 year old Puggle owner with a passion for beauty, crafts and coding! You can follow her on facebook, twitter and instagram. Thank you for reading this post!

4 comments:

  1. wow, this was inspirational!
    good luck with basement boutique and everything, well done for having the courage to just quit everything and do what you wanted to do with your life <3<3<3 I was nearly in tears reading this!

    http://justfacethefashion.blogspot.com/
    Zoe xoxo

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  2. And love the new layout by the way!

    http://justfacethefashion.blogspot.com/
    Zoe xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. thankyou so much zoe XXX love your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  4. thats ok! thanks, love yours too :)

    http://justfacethefashion.blogspot.com/
    Zoe xoxo

    ReplyDelete

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